Do you really want to buy mattresses from a jerk?

Maaximum Seduction

(I have to warn you my literary abilities are still suffering from stress-related dementia.)

I'm selling my furniture to move to T.O. and I've posted ads online. I get a call on my cell phone asking about my mattress set. It's a brief convo, someone was literally about to look at them that minute and I had spent all day locked in a small room editing video for the past 16 hours, so I needed some fun. I took her name and number, in case the person looking didn't buy them, and said I'd call her back.

Her: "My name is Iyeani."

Me: "What? Spell that."

Her: (spells it)

Me: "That's amazing. What nationality is that?"

Her: "Romanian."

Me: "No, it's not. You're living a lie. Your parents spelled your name wrong and just told you that you were Romanian."

Her: (stunned) "What?"

Me: "I hate to break the bad news to you."

Her: "Look, just because it's not consonant vowel consonant vowel like your name --"

Me: "That's just it. My name is poetry. Consonant vowel consonant vowel. Yours is a --"

Her: "You're telling me I'm living a lie? This is how you talk to someone who's trying to buy something from you? And this is how you talk to a pretty girl?"

Me: "Yeah, I'm a jerk. Do you really want to buy mattresses from a jerk?"

Her: (laughing uncontrollably) "Buddy, you have the worst sales technique ever."

We joke a bit more and I end the phone call.

I call her back an hour later to tell her the mattresses have been sold.

Me: "This is really doing you a favour. These mattresses ruined my life. I was such a sweet guy, but they turned me into a jerk."

Her: (laughing) "Oh yeah?"

Me: "Totally. They'd turn you into a jerk, too. You'd bring boys home and throw them down on the bed and just totally take advantage of them."

Her: "Girls can't get turned into jerks."

Me: "What would they turn you into?"

Her: "I don't know. A bitch."

Me: "They would totally turn you into a bitch. You'd be throwing boys down on your bed and spanking them left and right."

Her: "This is the least intelligent conversation I've ever had."

Me: "Actually, it's so intelligent that I'm going to get an award later. Try to keep up."

Her: "What?"

Me: "There's a scientific formula here. Do you want me to explain it?"

Her: "Yeah."

Me: "Okay, the x coefficient is the mattresses, which are possessed and will turn you into a bitch. The y coefficient is how badly you're going to scare boys once you're a bitch."

Her: "Why would I scare boys?"

Me: "Because you'll drag them into your bedroom and spank them and make them act out all your weird fetishes. Like your pirate fetish. I know you have one, I can tell by your voice. Poor guys."

Her: (Laughing) "Don't guys want a girl who's a servant in the kitchen and a something in the something and a freak in the bedroom?"

Me: "I don't know. I'm not a typical guy. I want a woman who can challenge me."

Her: "I've never spanked a boy. I should try it."

Me: "Do it. Go spank your boyfriend right now. I'll wait."

Her: "I don't have a boyfriend."

Me: "Go down the street and spank the cutest boy you find. Just nail him in the ass. And look for his reaction."

Her: "What if I spank you?"

Me: "I don't know. Can you handle that? I like a firm spank. Followed by wild sex. Not everyone can do it. I may have to spank you to show you how it's done."

Her: "How do you know I like to be spanked?"

Me: "Someone spanked your name and all the consonants fell out."

Her: (laughing uncontrollably) "You are such a bastard! Leave my name alone!"

And after that there was some more flirting, but I had to let her go. I may or may not hook up with her before I move. She was fun to talk to, though.

A little while ago I posted about increasing the sexual vibe verbally as well as physically. This was nothing but pure verbal sexuality and judging by the subtle but significant difference in women I see daily, it's a much-needed tweak.