Two Strippers and a Midget Pissing on You

http://www.maaximumseduction.com

(this was written awhile ago and only posted now. It's kind of a follow-up to my verbal seduction experiment selling my mattresses.)

Romanian girl called me yesterday and I said I'd try to make time for her later. Anyways, today I text seduced a random girl.

Her: Is this your mobile?

Me: Yeah. Who am I talking to?

Her: HBshorty

Me: What can I do for you?

Her: Is this Knight?

Me: No, this is Smashbug. Do you want me to pass on a message?

Her: That's alright. Thanks anyways though... Sorry for bothering you. Have a good one.

Me: hahaha I like how you got all apologetic instead of cursing Knight for being a phoneless phenom.

Her: Oh I cursed him... in my head. And it's not your fault... I think he said something about you guys taking him out... I though this was his but I think it was a... I'll call you from this number if we're down osbourn. Who am I texting to anyways?

Me: I know it's not my fault. Its yours for not growing a backbone and kicking his ass. He's a cool guy, but he borrows phones like a hobo. I've yelled at him a few times. No luck. All I can do now is keep stealing his girlfriends and do awful things to them in the sack. That really pisses him off. Have you ever been tied up and pissed on while shooting leather porn with two strippers and a midget? My house. At seven sharp.

Her: Haha! So who are you?

Me: I can't tell you. It wouldn't be proper.

Her: WHAT? Don't be a butt face who are you!

Me: You're a butt face. That's something my little sister would have said. When she was five!

(at this point in the real world, I talked to Knight and he said this girl was a girl he was making out with last night. I read him what I'd sent her and he laughed his ass off.)

Her: Yes well I pride myself in child like come backs. Can you tell me who you are so if I happen to meet you tonight it won't be so awkward?

Me: Why are you feeling awkward?

Her: I'm not really... Did you just send me a picture... if so I didn't get it...

Me: Nope. I didn't just send you a picture. Wouldn't it be weird if some random was photographing his penis and sending it to you? Ewwww. If I send mine I'll put a little hat on it. That, and the swooning you feel, will let you know it's mine. P.S. Stop sending me dirty messages. That's so gross. What's wrong with you?

Her: What... I have not been sending out dirty messages. Definitely did not mean seeing you tonight as "seeing" you tonight

Her: I meant if you bring Knight down to Osbourn

Her: I'm confused.

Me: lol you're fun. What's your name again?

Her: lol, look back in your texting history. Who are you? and does logit even have a cell?

Her: And by logit I mean Knight.

Me: And by Knight you mean take off your pants. Well, I won't do it.

Her: Oh gosh your difficult. I don't want you to take off your pants!!! Keep them ON!!!

Me: Clever... classic reverse psycholoy. Oh, you're good. You almost had me taking my pants off. I'm totally going to warn Knight that you're a sexual predator. You're dangerous.

Her: Oh gosh... please don't.

Her: P.S. I think he gets that already.

(here's where I started wandering into unfamiliar territory. I went into the kind of jerkiness and mean humour that just isn't in my comfort zone. I was actually nervous texting this.)

Me: how many babies do you have?

Her: NO still a virgin

Me: Liar. Your texts are all sweaty. I thought you had a weight problem, but the truth is you're having sex right now. Tell Knight to call me when he's done.

Her: Wow. That was rude.

Her: Where exactly do you think it's okay to be that rude to anyone?

(damn, this turned out badly. Didn't it? I mean I left my comfort zone, trying to be edgy and funny, and I offended her. What should I do here? Apologize? I mean, I did feel that I was rude, but that may have just been my shy mindset coming out to play. Turn the tables and say she was fun at first, but now I'm losing interest and neither of us like the results? I went with a sort of apology.)

Her: Well sorry for bothering you and have a good rest of the day.

Me: Yeah, this was fun at first but I think I forgot you're a stranger. Too many text messages to too many people while I'm running around doing stuff. Hopefully you can understand that.

(Knight calls me and tells me I'm awesome.

Me: "What's up?"

Knight: "HBShorty just called and told me she hates you because you want to piss on her and you asked if she had babies and called her a liar. So I said, 'yeah, but you love him. You want to be best friends with him. you're calling me right now with a big smile on your face, aren't you? You want to meet him tonight, don't you? Well, he's got a tight schedule but I might be able to get him to work you in.' And she said, 'yeah.'"

So Knight reeled her in for me. Though, in case I need to mention it to anyone, this is Knight's girl and we both know it. I'm not a poacher.)

Her: Smashbug! You man whore!

Me: Did you google me? Scary.

Her: lol no, I talked to Knight. Lol. I'm going to poke you in the eye. Lol I'm not offended anymore.

Me: Well, now I'm offended. Poke me in the eye? Can you get any crazier? Sheesh. Just bring me flowers like other girls. What kind of romantic meal can you cook for me?

Her: No sir, what meal can you cook me!

Me: Pantsless lasagna with pantsless souffle and pantsless truffles with a dessert of mind-shattering orgasms. P.S. Don't bring your pants.

Her: Haha did yo umiss the part where I'm somwhat interested in Knight?

Her: And you also missed the part where I don't have sex.

Me: He'll be there too. It's a contest to see who can give you the biggest orgasms. I bet ten dollars that I can make your heart stop for a minute.




Now the follow up to this story is my further experiments with how powerful it is to take a girl all over the emotional map. I used to think an emotional roller coaster was making her laugh, then sharing something sad with her, then telling her something that would make her angry, then making her laugh again. The real power of an emotional roller coaster is making her hate you then love you. Abusive boyfriends and assholes do it by hurting her. A way I'm comfortable with is to get her frustrated and angry then making her feel good again.

This girl still loves to text me a month later. Fun stuff.